Sadism is a dirty word. It conjures ideas of cruelty, ruthlessness, and violence. This invocation causes a lot of people discomfort. The discomfort then becomes a projection of fears. When acknowledging BDSM, sadism tends to be cast in the most dubious light. Dominance and submission has been made somewhat mainstream in its basics tenents. Masocism is often looked at twice, but can be excused as only affecting the individual. But Sadism requires something being inflicted on someone. That is a line that is difficult for a lot of people to cross. There is a simple truth though that you can not have submission without dominance, or masochism without sadism. 

Imagine for a minute that you have someone spread out underneath you. Your hands sink into their thighs, their skin is unnaturally, pleasantly, warm, and you can feel them squirm beneath you. They have your undivided attention. Your eyes are trained on them, watching how they move, listening to what their breath sounds like, and tracking what kind of tension or ease they hold in their body. Everything is about the interplay between you, them, and the crop in your hand. There is no room for anything else.

Consent, as always, is key. While many don’t understand consenting to pain, those of us who do gain access to a particular kind of intimacy. The inherent risk of pain heightens the expecations between all parties, demanding a unique level of focus. Every sound and sight must be given proper attention by the sadist. There shouldn’t be any distractions. With how chaotic the world is, being able to shut off everything but what is directly in front of you provides a rich respite.

Rough rope plays between your fingers. You hold it steady in one hand, your partners hands held still in your other. They whimper underneath you as you wrap that rope around their wrists until bound. You slip two fingers between their skin and the rope handcuff. Your fingers fit perfectly underneath so you move on, yank at the tail end of the rope to jerk your partner back. You both revel in the play of power between you. You lean forward, smacking their ass, whispering what a pathetic, needy, slut they are. They let out a desperate whine and heat pools in your stomach…

Subspace is often discussed in terms of meditation, allowing the person to be wholly within their own body, able to float beyond day-to-day matters. Sadism can instill a similar state of being. Every moment you are scanning your partner(s) to determine any number of factors including good pain vs bad pain, whether they need to relax their body more, or breathe more steadily. For many this creates a sense of groundedness. As with subspace, there is no room for the quotidian, and the heightened stakes demand attention in a way many other forms of mindfullness can not replicate. 

So sadism can be meditative, but it is not often defined as a meditation practice. That’s because its much more than that. For one, it is also a process of catharsis. When it comes to impact play that catharsis is physical. Impact play is a workout so it brings this rush of endorphins. Rope bondage is a puzzle, where you place rope in very certain ways to create certain outcomes. BDSM scenes often are brain teasers. The play is not just about getting off, but about lighting up your brain with very specific scenarios. The more you engage with it the more you can come up with complex combinations of different kinks to create new, freshly satisfying, outcomes. 

There is pleasant buzzing noise and a warm glow coming from the glass tube in front of you. Your partner is laid out beside you looking at you with anticipation. You lean the wand down to hover just above their skin and a crisp zap buzzes between you. Their eyes widen, you smile. You do it again. You circle their nipples as little zaps buzz around them, causing their nipples to perk up. To keep them on their toes you run it along their thighs, zapping them with that little beam of electrocution as they work to keep still. Your eyes glitter as you enjoy the pretty sight of the electricity snap between you two. 

At the end of the day sadism should be fun. In the same way you should be able to laugh at yourself when you’re having sex, you should when doing a BDSM scene. Maybe you’re new to it and have a book out to guide you through a rope bondage scene and you fumble a turn. You should be able to enjoy that process. Or maybe you have music on and are doing an impact scene to the beat of the music. It can be fun, silly, and sexy to use someone’s ass as a drum. Or maybe you just enjoy the workout of a BDSM scene, you enjoy to look at marks, or to dirty talk. 

A door opens and your friend greets you with a smile and a hug. You put together some snacks, some drinks and get ready to move to the living room. You set the platter of snacks down on your sub’s back, as you continue chatting with your friend and turn on the tv. You turn on some fun reality tv and chatter aimlessly while eating and occasionally petting your sub’s hair. They stay still on their hands in knees. They enjoy the act of service, and enjoy the act of being largely ignored. You enjoy watching them, hanging out, and relaxing with your friends.  

One of the great things about being an adult is that you can explore yourself, your boundaries, and what brings you pleasure. Sadism doesn’t have to be viewed in a reverent way to be acceptable. While sadism often provides some combination of catharsis, groundedness, and simple pleasure, it doesn’t have to be anything other than something fun. When those three combine though? That particular combination can open up new avenues to explore your own complexity in its fullness. I say, if it calls to you, take that chance and run.